Don’t get me wrong: the fact that I still weigh over 250 lbs is very much a part of my daily thought process and routine. I mean, hello, it’s kind of hard to forget that part. I’m still about 75 lbs away from my ultimate goal, which in itself is about 25 lbs over the recommended high weigh for me. But even that ultimate number I have set myself has had me thinking lately. I settled on it because it seemed like a manageable weight and would still let me hold on to my curves. But maybe that’s just because I’m comfortable with my curves. They are a part of me. The boobs I’ve had since middle-school and I’ve always been a bit more, uh, plumper than my friends. Maybe I picked such a high weight goal not because it’s where I really want to be, but because I’m scared to be any smaller.
There is a mental game to this whole thing. Getting thinner, losing weight, brings out its own unexpected emotional challenges.
My weight loss has been slow over the past few months. Some of it has been my own fault, some of it has been my body. It’s one reason I set myself rewards. In the past, I would feel frustrated at this slow progress. Instead, it has given me an opportunity to reevaluate why I’m doing this.
How important is that number, really? We put so much emphasis on it, but as Dances With Fat points out, size is no indicator of health. And, really, health is what we should be focusing our efforts on. If we do that, the weight will follow. Maybe not as fast as we want, maybe not as much as we want, but it will come off. And if it doesn’t, then consider all of the other healthy changes you’ve made in your life that are way more important in the long run.
As of today I have decided to take on one item from my 101/1001 list,which is to go a whole month without drinking any pop. Sadly, easier said than done. I’ve cut back, way cut back, but every once in awhile I still crave that fizzy caffeine (it’s also kind of difficult when my go-to bar drink is a Malibu & Diet). In the beginning of the list, I created that item because I knew that switching from pop to water would help me lose weight.
These days, though, when I think about it, I know I should cut back not because of the weight loss factor but because water is better for me. I don’t do yoga because it helps me lose weight, I do yoga because of the way it makes me feel. I leave class, especially my 6am class, feeling like a warrior woman, ready to take on the world.
That number? The scary one on the scale? A small fraction of the overall picture. I might weigh 251.8 lbs, but I know that doesn’t define me. I’ve been vegetarian for four years and do yoga twice a week. I’ve never smoked, rarely drink, and love my eight hours of sleep. I know how little that number means when it comes right down to it.
So if someone else wants to use that number to formulate some kind of negative opinion about me without knowing the rest of the facts, I say let them. In the end, it speaks more about them than it does about me.
Love from the ashes,