body image, fitness, running, weight loss

the weighting game

Them: So do you have an end goal in mind?
Me: I’d like to lose another 70 lbs.
Them: Another 70 lbs?
Me: Uh, yeah?

Last week I had this conversation twice. Once with a co-worker and once with my yoga instructor. The fact that both women had the exact same reaction — complete disbelief — struck me as, well, odd. I mean, I get it. Or at least I think I do: See, both of these women are thin. My co-worker is slight and petite and while my yoga instructor is tall, she has a graceful athletic build. 70 lbs on their frames and, thus, in their frame of minds, must seem incredible. 140 has to be staggering. 140 is a full grown adult woman, so I’m no longer talking about just losing a tween anymore. I’m talking about losing one of them.

Actually, I lied. If I make it to goal I will have lost a total of 151 lbs. That will be roughly 48% of my starting weight. Of course, the really fucked up interesting part is even after all of that, my BMI will still put me in the “overweight” category. But by then I won’t care because if I make goal I will have lost half of myself.

In the past, this sort of realization would have flicked a switch in my head. In the past, this is why I failed. The previous two times I did WW, something happened when I had lost 45 lbs. Something mental, emotional, I don’t know. But 45 lbs was too much. 45 lbs was scary enough on its own, how was I going to lose the rest? Of course, it is also important to point out that both times I did WW in the past I didn’t exactly like myself and was of the rather naive belief that losing weight would fix whatever was wrong with me. I’d lose 45 lbs and then I’d realize that I was still as fucked up unhappy as before, so then it became a question of, Well, if I’m still going to be all wonky in the head regardless of size, then I might as well be unhappy and just eat whatever the hell I want.

It’s amazing how much easier weight loss is when you like yourself exactly as you are. Because it stops being about the number. That intimidating manipulative number. You don’t stress over a .2 loss (or even the occasional gain) because you know you kicked ass on the treadmill. You’re no longer afraid of restaurants or eating out because you not only know how to eat smart you actually like eating smart. I haven’t been to the pool in about a month because of conflicts and I miss it. Hell, these days I even run for fun

I’ve been at this for 14 months and as of today I’ve lost a total of 73.4 lbs, which means I’m not even halfway there yet. Weight loss slows down the smaller you get so I probably have at least another year and a half left, maybe more. But that’s okay because this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have the rest of my life to be smaller so I can wait it out until I get there. And, if nothing else, at least it gives Sissy and I plenty of time to plan (and save money for) our I’ve Made Goal Weight trip to Disney World.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

4 thoughts on “the weighting game”

  1. I think your goal kicks ass. And you're right, I think it's always easier to make any major life change – like losing weight, breaking an addiction, taking on a new job, etc. – when you like who you are BEFORE you make the change. I know you can do it!


  2. I love the part about loving yourself the way you are. I think any kind of change or improvement motivated by self-hatred isn't going to get you very far. If more people loved and accepted themselves as they are, the world would be so much more positive – and they would probably be much more successful at achieving their goals! Such a cliche, but I really think everyone is perfect the way they are 🙂


  3. I really like this post.

    because I myself have been losing weight. But not by trying .. just by eating right. Which was such a big turn around. Nicer weather = more walking.

    But I remember counting calories – I wasn't happy and I think I gained weight.

    I don't want to say I have a goal either – It will probably make me think to much about it and I'd be afraid if I gain it.

    Good luck with your journey. I will keep following!


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