body image, memory lane, weight loss


I was not at all prepared to write this post. In fact, I had a different post already planned and while I thought there was a possibility that I might have to whip something up like this come Monday morning, I didn’t want to jinx myself by writing it too soon. Because that’s how my brain works sometimes, as ridiculous as that sounds (and I know it does).

Instagram: JillGrun

Ladies and gents, I don’t even know if I could hazard a guess at the last time I weighed under 200 pounds. Eighth grade? Ninth, maybe. I know I wasn’t this small when I graduated high-school.

Those are freckles, FYI. Not liver spots.

That would be my senior class ring. I found it yesterday while cleaning my apartment. It’s fucking huge on my ring finger, is comfortable on my middle finger, and I can wear it on my thumb. Hello. I’m actually wearing it today on my middle finger and I suspect it may become a permanent part of my jewelry rotation. I don’t wear rings, but this one in particular is a nice reminder of how far I’ve really come. Not just on this particular journey, but over the course of my life.

I graduated from high-school in 2000, so as a general frame of reference I’m going to ballpark it and say this is the first time I have weighed under 200 pounds in fifteen years. January 24, 2011 I weighed 311 pounds. Today, September 24, 2012 I weigh 199. I have lost 112 pounds, folks. One hundred and twelve.

Processing. Still processing.

While I’m processing, I’d like to let y’all know that The Year of the Phoenix is now all Facebook Official with it’s very own page. So if you like this blog, take a moment to consider liking it on FB!

The majority of my adult life has been spent weighing above 200 pounds. Actually, the majority of my adult life has been spent weighing above 250 pounds, so to be in Onederland (pronounced “wonderland”) is….strange. At the beginning of this journey I had a history of self-sabotage after hitting a milestone. My disordered eating would rear its ugly head, but I’m not worried about that this time. Of course, the last two weeks I’ve had some big losses, so next week could show a gain just ’cause that’s how the body works sometimes. But c’est la vie. Won’t worry about that until next week comes.

As I’m figuring out, though, physically losing this much weight is much easier than mentally losing it. People don’t tell you that part and it’s a learning process that has some obstacles along the way. Sometimes, especially with regards to dating, I still see myself as weighing 311 pounds and my baggage and insecurities related to that resurface. When you spent a lifetime thinking one way, it’s not easy to change the hard wiring in your brain.

But, as the sub instructor in my yoga class said on Saturday: If we can change our beliefs about our body, we can change our beliefs about our life. 

Here’s the thing, though. The ultimate real-life take from this post lesson: I have gone from weighing over three hundred pounds to weighing under two hundred.

You don’t have to be a celebrity or on a reality television show. I mean, hello, I’m just a librarian from Cleveland with a blog. You don’t have to have a personal trainer or even a gym membership. The only thing I pay for is my yoga class. Everything else is done for free or using free/cheap iPhone apps. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying you’ll be perfect every week. I’m not saying it’s an overnight thing. Took me exactly twenty months to get from 311 to 199.

But I am saying that it can be done.

It takes guts. It takes heart. It takes time and work. It takes destination, determination, deliberation.

But I did it and so can you. You just have to be willing to take that first step.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

31 thoughts on “onederland”

  1. Congratulations on your new milestone! I am inspired by your blog and want to thank you for sharing your journey here. I recently started my own journey and have almost 200 pounds to lose. Your success gives me encouragement that I can get there too!


  2. 🙂 You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that from readers. I still have about 40 to go, with a 150 being my total weight loss so I understand what it's like to stat where you are. You can do it, though!


  3. Congratulations! I found your blog a few weeks ago through a friend of a friend of a friend…. etc. I actually graduated the year before you from your beloved Stars Hollow High 😉 ANYWAY. I just wanted to let you know that you are doing an awesome job! I work as a registered dietitian and counsel clients on healthy eating and exercise to achieve weight loss every day. So many people think that big results can't come from small changes and they need some quick fix pill, surgery, detox, etc. Obviously, those things don't work long-term but lifestyle changes do! You are a great example of this and I encourage you to keep encouraging others to do the same!!!


  4. Congratulations! I am hoping to lose 100 lbs in about twenty months, so it is encouraging to know that it is possible! By the way, ” I'm just a librarian from Cleveland with a blog” <- love this!


  5. Did you really?! That's awesome. Well hello and welcome, alum 😉

    The small changes definitely have the better long term success. I agree that too many people get impatient and want the quick fix, and while it may work short term it won't work for the long haul.


  6. I do have a question. You mentioned WW before. Are you on the ww program? When I saw it advertised it did not look free or cheap. What i phone apps do you use? Thanks.


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