That sums up how I have felt about blogging and pretty much all social media as of late (as anyone who follows me on Twitter has probably noticed although I’ve, oddly, been trying to increase my usage of Facebook and Instagram). Maybe it’s the call of the sunshine or the book I’m reading or the ideas running around in my head for my book and I know it happens to all bloggers at some time or another but, I don’t know.
It’s like I’ve run out of things to say.
I know that’s not true, though. I spent the week collecting plenty of interesting and relevant articles from around the web and have been able to fit runs in before work and am trying some new recipes this weekend and my 2nd 10K is less than a month away, and yet….
The reality is I’m embarrassed.
Embarrassed to admit that I’ve spent the past two, almost three, months not tracking or really paying attention to what I eat. Embarrassed to admit that while I’m still exercising it’s not with the same enthusiasm or dedication as before. Embarrassed to admit that while I went to the film festival with a plan, I only half-heartedly stuck to it.
Embarrassed to admit I’m no longer in maintenance but weight loss mode because I’ve gained some of the weight back (more than 10 but less than 20).
It makes me feel like a failure and who wants to read about the journey of a failure? Who wants to read about a woman who conquered 135 pounds and is now struggling with 15?
I now weigh what I did at Thanksgiving. I’m back to being obese. I know what the scale says, that I’ve still lost 120 pounds, but when I look in the mirror or get dressed in the mornings I don’t see it. I’m back to seeing this woman right here.
The thing is, this was the first week in about two months were I felt in control of my food choices. Like, really in control. Several days in a row. It’s like I’m getting my balance on life back and at my appointment with my counselor yesterday even she remarked on the difference in my attitude and demeanor. But I can’t tell y’all that because you don’t know how out-of-control things have been. So instead I hide here behind my little pink plaid netbook and blog about tea.
Last week I told Mama Marchand that I was pretty sure this was a control thing. Back in late January/early February, everything in my life seemed to implode. Both my personal and professional life were upended and I was left fighting to find my sense of gravity. So I began to act out. And, being someone with a history of disordered eating, I began to act out with food.
Initially I thought the binging was a reaction to the stress I’d been feeling about everything. But the stress was just another symptom. What I was really feeling was vulnerable. As soon as my counselor used that word I knew she was right. I can be a bit of a control freak. I like things just so. I am particular and a planner and spontaneity makes me anxious. A lot of things make me anxious (I tested at the “major anxiety” level). Not knowing really makes me anxious, so when so many things in your life are being illustrated with a big fucking question mark it’s a natural reaction of mine to turn to what is familiar and comfortable. Even when my eating itself was out-of-control, the very act of eating was something I could control.
Over the past week I sort of accidentally stumbled over the realization of what my perfect, ideal life would look like. Only it’s not something that is going to happen overnight and it’s definitely not going to happen without a lot of motivation and action on my side. Figuring this out and — more importantly — taking the first steps to put myself on that path helped me regain some of that control I had been missing. I had found a bit of my balance again. Life reshifted upright.
Then, just like that, my food choices fell back in line.
I have to acknowledge that this is something I will always struggle with. This part of my journey will never go away so I have to find alternative methods to dealing with it. I can’t ever always be in control of what happens to and around me. But you can like the life you’re living or you can live the life you like. You can let things happen or you can make things happen. When you’re sitting around waiting for life, take a moment and consider the possibility that life is waiting for you.
Love from the ashes,