body image, life, memory lane


Has it really been a whole entire year since my last birthday? My, my how time has flown.

My birthday started bright and early with a 6:30 am spinning class at Harness Cycle. The class was led by the newest instructor, Meghan, and she gave us a great ride and it was a perfect start to my birthday. The fact that the studio is so close to my apartment makes those early classes feasible, since I get home at about the same time I’d be getting up anyway. On Facebook, the other 6:30 am instructor, Katie, who I absolutely adore, told me she’d help me rock the shit out of 32. I fully plan on taking her up on that offer.

On my way into work I took advantage of the free drink courtesy of my Starbucks gold card.

Yay red cups and peppermint mocha! Especially on the first day we Clevelanders are seeing snow this season. (I promise, Northeast Ohio, I did not request the white stuff. Trust me on this one.)

The rest of the day was, y’know, the rest of the day. Lots of birthday love from friends and family which is always appreciated. I was able to attend a soon-to-be monthly meet-up of Cleveland-area librarians which was fun.

I always tend to get a bit, well, nostalgic around my birthday and this year is no different.

This year, man. This fucking year.

It started out well, being thirty-one. Things seemed to be moving in a positive direction. That lasted for, oh, about eight weeks. Then there was work drama which was closely followed by boy drama. Take work drama and boy drama and combine them and they turn into weight drama.

Today, at 32 and one day, I weigh about 15 pounds more than I did on my birthday last year.

And I don’t really care.

It’s not just about redefining progress and my list, although of course that’s part of it. It’s more…like, I look back at who I was at 22 and I was a bit of a mess and making bad decisions that, luckily, I no longer make. The first time I did Weight Watchers I was in college and got down to about 220 lbs by my 22nd birthday. I weigh, oh, roughly 10 lbs less than that now. In the grand scheme of losing over 100, a mere 10 lbs is pretty negligible so, in essence, I weigh about the same as I did ten years ago.

But while the physical essence of myself is almost identical to what it was a decade ago, the mental and emotional is a complete 180. Before, I got down to 220 and still hated what I saw on the inside so I gained it all back plus some. Now, though, I look in the mirror and I see a warrior woman who has done amazing things with her life and will continue to do so.

More to the point, though, I don’t have to look into the mirror to see her. I know that I am her. I move through life with a graceful, genuine confidence I’ve never had before. Okay, so I’m 32 and single and have been single for going on five years now (true story), but my relationship with myself is better than it’s ever been and that trumps all the boy drama and weight drama and job drama.

So bring on 32, baby. Show me what you got. I guarantee I’m up to the challenge.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

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