One of the sessions at FitBloggin was led by my dear friends Liz and Stephanie, and it was called Mind Games: Depression, Anxiety, and Healthy Living. I wasn’t able to attend, which is unfortunate because from both women’s recaps it sounded like something I would have greatly benefited from. Luckily, they’ve taken the session outside of Denver and onto this here interwebs with a bi-monthly link up. As someone who has had her fair share of depressive episodes and sought professional help, I’ve always been open about that part of my life and am appreciating an opportunity from some of my blogger friends to talk about it more.
I’m currently in a…..transitional season of my life. One week from today I’ll be leaving the company I’ve been with for the past 4 1/2 years. Two weeks from today I start a new job that I’m very, very excited about but is still a big change. That same day, my book is released and three weeks from today I’ll be giving a talk about said book that will also include a book signing.
This is all very, very good. Life in general is good. I’ve never been happier.
And yet there are moments, more moments than not as of late, that I feel like I’m living in a fog. I spend entire days curled up in bed binge watching Netflix and the days I don’t do this are spent wishing that I was. I’ve grown listless and restless. I’m overeating and have gained weight. I’ve found myself feeling anti-social and withdrawn from social interactions. Physically there is this constant stress in my shoulders, a weight pressing down over my entire body, like wearing a heavy cloak I’m unable to shrug off.
I keep telling myself to snap out of it. That I have so many good things happening in my life, I have no need to feel this way, even though I have no idea what “this way” actually is.
Albus Dumbledore once said, Fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself. For weeks I’ve been too afraid to speak the name of what this is. For weeks I’ve resisted identifying it because once it’s identified, once it’s been named, I have to acknowledge it.
This actually isn’t depression, what I’m feeling right now. It’s more like a first cousin once removed. I know full-fledged depression and this isn’t it, but it’s close. Close enough to give me pause, now that I’ve identified it. And it’s complicated — complicated by the fact that it’s not actually depression. Complicated by the fact that I’m feeling quasi-depressed about good things in my life. Of course, if I take a step back and analyze the situation I know it’s not the good things themselves that are causing me to feel this way. No, it’s everything else that surrounds them: the speaking gigs, the new co-workers, the new schedule, etc., etc.,
It’s not the good things. It’s the everything happening, all at once.
By telling myself to “snap out of it,” I’m doing more harm than good because I’m acting as if this is something I can just snap out of. But that’s not how this works and for that reason alone I am grateful for Liz and Stephanie starting this link up as a means of putting more personal faces to the different facets of mental health.
Love from the ashes,