A few weeks ago, while talking about weight loss and body positivity, I admitted that for the next couple of weeks I was essentially following Weight Watchers utilizing a knock-off app. This, of course, was because of my wedding dress and making sure that it fit. With 10 days to go and knowing the dress fits, I can mentally relax. At least when it comes to my weight and the dress.
Still, in therapy last week I told my therapist that it felt like a betrayal. That I was betraying myself and my community and all of my core values and beliefs by dipping my toes back into the world of diet culture for however a brief period of time and regardless of the fact that I have a perfectly justifiable reason for doing so. This isn’t about vanity. This isn’t about me not wanting to be fat or thinking fat is a bad thing. This is about me wanting to make sure I didn’t throw money away because I can’t fit into a dress next Saturday. That said, even though I fully believe you can have weight loss goals and still be body positive, it feels different when I assign that belief system to myself.
But I also noted that it feels different this time around. Something is different this time around and it took me almost the entire therapy session to realize:
I no longer view food as the enemy.
Food is good! Food is yummy! Food is what keeps us active and alive and functioning. We need food. We need to eat food.
Up until recently, though, that’s not how I viewed food. In my mind, food was the enemy. In my mind, food was everything that was wrong with my life. It wasn’t, of course, because food is just food.
When I was in high-school, I developed patterns of disordered eating that last well into my twenties. I cycled through diet after diet after diet for fifteen years, always viewing food through a negative lens.
But something has shifted now. I see food as its meant to be seen: as, well, just food.