So. Hi. I’m getting married on Saturday. That’s, like, four days away.
Everyone — friends, family, co-workers — keep asking me if I’m excited and, of course, I’m excited to be married and make BC my husband and all of that. But the wedding? Being up in front of all of those people, having to put on my extroverted mask for an entire day? That all sounds exhausting and then managing all the details has my anxiety on high-alert.
Couple this with the fact that I’m fighting against a cycle of depression and yeah, I’m not exactly the stereotypical buzzing blushing bride everyone expects.
I’ve written publicly before about how depression makes us the world’s greatest performance artists and this week is no different. There are appearances and expectations that need to be kept up in the coming days and, of course, anxiety makes me overanalyze what other people think of me, so if I don’t act all happy and bouncy and butterflies and rainbow and shit people are going to make assumptions about the state of my relationship
So I basically just fake it. I fake it all the time. Every day I’m faking it.
This week, Depression is specifically targeting me and the wedding with five lies:
Depression tells me that I am terrible at my job and my manager is going to realize this while I’m gone and I’m going to come back from our honeymoon and not have a job.
Depression tells me that my dress will not fit on Saturday (even though it fit just fine as of a week ago) because I am too big and too fat and I totally don’t deserve this wedding and love and happiness so I’m just kidding myself that I’ll get the dress, too.
Depression tells me that I am going to look terrible in every single one of my wedding photos so I might as well just not have any pictures taken.
Depression tells me that BC is totally going to change his mind about wanting to marry me because, again, I totally don’t deserve this wedding and love and happiness and I’m just kidding myself.
Depression tells me that I am a terrible friend and so none of my friends are going to show up to my wedding (despite all RSVP-ing yes) and my friend table is going to be totally empty and then everyone will know I’m a terrible friend.
I know that none of this is true, but that’s the thing about depression: it lies. It’s actually really good about lying and tells very convincing lies and so by the end, you start believing everything it feeds you.
So this is the part that sucks the most, right? I AM GETTING MARRIED ON SATURDAY. And instead of being the buzzing blushing bride, I’m struggling just to make it through each day while my mental health feeds me bullshit telling me I’m a terrible person.
Good thing I have a therapy appointment this afternoon.