This is 37. Purple lipstick. Burgundy hair. Zero fucks to give. •
36 was.....momentous. I gained a husband and lost a mom. I started a new job and finished my second memoir. I got off blood thinners and on antidepressants. I visited Denver and Dallas and New Orleans and still believe there's no place like home (aka Cleveland, best city in the entire world). I made new friends and lost old ones and found the people who will always stand by my side in the middle of a storm, no matter how infrequently we talk or see each other. •
Over the past few weeks I've been asked by both my therapist and psychiatrist what my goals are and, honestly, I have no fucking idea. In the past I was always hyperfocused on the future, although that was usually attributed to my anxiety more than anything else. There's always been some thing I was working towards, always there hovering on the horizon: graduate high-school; get my bachelor degree; get my master degree; get a library job; run a half-marathon; find a job outside the library world; write a book; write another book; get married. •
For the first time in forever, I don't know what the future looks like. I have some vague notions of things, but nothing concrete. •
I am well aware of my age but up until a month ago I didn't know what it really meant. It was only after my mom died that I woke up one day and realized “Holy shit. I'm almost 40” (or, as I told the women of gladsome, I'm “in the zone”). I'm on the precipice and I have the ability to make my life whatever I want it to be. And, for once, my anxiety about the unknown isn't clouding my view. I literally have no idea what the next month or six months or six years of my life looks like nor am I trying to guess or make preparations. Instead, I'm embracing the wide open world and whatever it has in store. •
In the words of Ani Difranco, “I'm going to do my best to swan dive into shark infested waters.”
“These are not happy pills,” he told me. “Anti-depressants won’t make you happy.” “I know,” I replied. (And I do.) Even as far back as high-school I remember thinking “I should probably be medicated.” But I didn’t have the ability to say that out loud so now, at almost-37 this is probably overdue.
I also know they may not work. Or that I may have to try various medications to find the right one.
But I also also know I have spent the past week worshipping at the altar of dry shampoo because while I can get out of bed and into the shower, washing my hair is too much. Some mornings, even the shower is too much.
I don’t know if these will work but I want to at least try them and find out for myself.
In the words of Neil Gaiman, all your tomorrows start here.
#mentalhealth #antidepressants #depression #anxiety
A year and a half ago, I saw a psychiatrist in the hopes he could help with my anxiety and depression. He prescribed me medication but unfortunately, my blood thinner medication made me ineligible for anti-depressants.
A couple weeks ago, after being told I no longer had to take blood thinners, I immediately made two appointments: one at the tattoo parlor and one at the psychiatrist. •
My psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow morning and I’m both nervous and excited. I don’t know if anti-depressants will help, but I at least want to try them and find out. •
#antidepressants #antidepression #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmonday #bloodthinners #bloodclot #deepveinthrombosis #dvtsurvivor #anxiety